Hey Pop, I Think I’m Staying

The News

Hey Pop,

I’m staying.

I signed another year’s lease here in Detroit.

I’m excited that I don’t have to pack up all my belongings again, and it feels like I’m finally figuring out more of my workflows and how I live. I didn’t realize how long I’d been carrying so many things concurrently—moving, rebuilding, planning, leaving before I’d fully arrived. Staying, even for another year, feels lighter than I expected. Less like a tie binding me, more like a platform solidifying.

Life Right Now

I’m still working at the jewelry store and have been working on transitioning into a training position. I love to teach, and you know I’m good with computers, so I’m hoping it’ll be a good fit if I can get it off the ground.

I’ve also been spending time with family. I drove a boat for the first time the other day, and I’d say I did pretty well. Would I want to drive on the big water? No thank you. But the little canals and lakes were fabuloso. Maybe I’ll get a boat or come visit my friends with boats more often.

In Oscar news, he had a great stay at Mom’s while I was off frolicking with the Weltons in Alaska. You were surely missed.

Shortly after that, I headed up to the U.P. to visit a wooden troll and spend the weekend in tents with friends—watching fireworks, floating down the river, and doing all the regular Michigan summer things.

Michigan Summer

It’s been a Michigan summer as full as they come. It’s the way the season goes. The burrowing away of the winter and the storms of the spring have passed to an open-skied summer. The sun shines bright and hot. The birds sing loud. The ground breaks open with buds and stems, and the clouds part just enough to remind you why everyone waits so patiently through the cold and bitter months.

There’s nothing quite like the summers of my childhood, but something about a Michigan summer has reminded me of something that was somewhere in the depths of me. I love the sun, the outside, the lucky little interactions you get with other humans.

I don’t want more; I just always want more time.

The Reality

I think I’m falling in love with a life that has less—but somehow feels like more. Not minimalism, you know I don’t believe in it – I’m a maximalist who’s pickier than ever.

It’s more like a clearing. A cleaning. A creating of the life I actually want to live that I’m excited to live.

Who knows if that’ll keep me in Detroit forever. I just know I love this city. It’s alive and breathing, and for nearly a year it’s held me with open hands instead of closed fists. It’s pushed me off edges I stood on for years. It’s catalyzed the belief that anything is possible. I want to scream “I don’t know what I’m doing; I’M JUST TRYING” to anyone who asks me what I’m doing with my life. I don’t have the clearest path, but my footfalls are strong and consistent.

Missing People

One thing I didn’t expect about staying in one somewhere is how much more capable I’ve become of missing people. I’ve gone from being someone who couldn’t really miss people to someone who clings to the tiny breaks that hit my heart when I think about my friends—those nearby and those scattered far away.

I miss them. I love them.

Sitting still has shown me stability in some areas and knocked me off my center in relationships. I could compartmentalize when I was seeing everyone next week, month, or year. Planning from stability is a different beast than planning in constant motion. I’m sure I’ll learn to live in comfortable communion with this new beast.

The Bigger Realization

My feet are planted comfortably now. I don’t really desire to flee anymore, but I know my life will probably continue to ask me to love people in different places. I think that’s just how my life is going to unfold. The depth of my love will continue to spread in new and sometimes painful ways, because every place I call home leaves pieces of itself behind—and takes little pieces of me with it.

Every friend.

Every family member.

Every person I’ve loved.

I don’t think that’s something to avoid anymore.

I think it’s how I continue to grow.

Where I Am

Detroit has held me for nearly a year, comfortably open-handed.

I’m not trapped. I’m not decided. And I’m cool with that.

I’ve always held loosely to the ties that seem to bind people to the person they currently exist as. My person has always felt suspended somewhere between the person I was, the person I am, and the person I’m becoming. Maybe that’s exactly where I’m supposed to be.

To You

I miss you, Pop.

I hope you’re well, and that a smile still sits comfortably on your face the way I’ve always known it to.

I’m grateful you’re here to read about how I’m doing.

I’m glad to have you in my life.